The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
