so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
