I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
