I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
