I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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