HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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