I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
