im drinking this country out of the recession.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
