Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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