The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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