I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
