Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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