She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
