nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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