Your tits are I can't wait for
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
