Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
