Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
