Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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