I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
