thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
