Only a mothe r could love this liver
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
