I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
