last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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