I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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