hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
