In America we eat man semen.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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