We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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