Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
