im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
