Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
