This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
