Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just want to make out with him forever
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
