I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
