Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
