Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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