Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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