On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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