apparently the secret to your success is patron
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
