The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We left the knife in your bed.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
