You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
