A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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