he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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