I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
