I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
