She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
