I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
