If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
