I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
