I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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