The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
