Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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