WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
