i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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